One of my dear friends and a sister in Christ is also a breast cancer survivor. During her trials with the disease, she would periodically write letters to our church, giving updates, requesting prayer, and generally making much of God through it all.

The cancer is in remission and she has been doing very well, but wanted to write a post-operation letter to our church. This letter touched and encouraged my heart and it will yours. Note, some of the names in have been removed and [ ] have been added to help with the flow. Here it is.

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March 6, 2011

Dear Church Friends and Family,

No worries!!!  I don’t have any new bad news.  With so much that has happened in the last few years, I felt a strong desire to look back and see some of the lessons I have learned.  This is not a must read so feel free to hit the delete.  Writing is cathartic for me but reading my writing may have the opposite effect on you. 

If I had to title this, I would call it – CANCER AND THE LIES I TOLD MYSELF

LIE #1) Caring for others before caring for me was spiritual. 

I knew about my cancer (tumor) way before I went to the doctor.  I waited dangerously long.  Well, that was plain stupid.  I now know!!!  During the time my tumor was growing, [my sister] was struggling with her cancer and the whole family was trying to cope with her increasing illness, [my husband] was trying to finish his degree and we were planning a wedding. 

So, I was able to convince myself that waiting for a better time to deal with my issue was in the best interest of the family. This sincere concern for the timing, mixed with my own fears, made me lie to myself (how does one go about lying to oneself?).

LIE #2) My body defines my womanhood. 

Missing my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and other body parts has made me think about what exactly is a woman.  Of course, our bodies are the visual component, but women who have had mastectomies need an extra reminder that— to quote John Mayer (oh no!!), “I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for.” 

When trying to figure out what (besides the obvious) makes women unique, I struggled because we are all so different.  Well, we know that since only women can bear children, we have a strong nurturing side.  We have an almost unbreakable tie to the home.  We are especially good at creative things.  We are caregivers and given to hospitality.  We are quick thinkers, perceptive and good at multi-tasking.  We love female relationships that are fun, heartfelt and honest.  We are strong and protective (mama grizzlies).  We could rule the world, but are surprisingly happy with a lot of supporting roles (help- meets). We are hard workers who do so many” behind the scenes” jobs.  We want to feel secure but we want to break our own glass ceilings. We are always striving for that intimate relationship with the Lord. 

Womanhood is almost too beautiful and broad to define.  I almost feel like screaming—“I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!”  Maybe a little over the top especially since I’m in the library.  Well, anyway, nothing that surgeon did could ever take away my womanhood.  BOOYAH!!!

LIE #3) I could never do that.

Another lie that I have told myself is “I could never do that.” I remember being at [a] clinic years ago and seeing the word “oncology” on a sign.  Just seeing that word struck terror in my heart.  I guess we all have words that have that effect on us.

What are your “terror words”?  Unemployment, divorce, hospitals, car accidents, wayward children, widowhood, war, bankruptcy, heart attacks, death?  We all have fears in our lives that seem strangely out of God’s good plan for us. I certainly don’t claim to have suffered but I have found out experientially that by God’s grace, I can do whatever He asks me to do.

There are no hidden fears or terrors that will find us alone. God will be in us and with us.  He will have gone before us and He will come behind us to pick up all the pieces. One of the worst times that I felt like I could not do what the Lord asked me was the Sunday after [my sister's] death.  I was at our church in the morning service and I couldn’t stop sobbing.  I sobbed so bitterly.  I had hardly cried up until then, but, oh boy, the floodgates opened.  I was grieving over losing my dearest friend.  I was grieving over the kids and the loss of their treasured Mom.  I was grieving over all the heartache of the days at the hospital.  I was in shock over the implications of our enlarged family.  I remember we had communion that day and on the way back to my seat I almost collapsed.  Someone reached over and steadied me so I didn’t fall.  I certainly doubted my ability to do what the Lord was asking, but here we are nearly 10 months later.  Don’t ever underestimate God’s ability to bring you to the other side – - not just “any ole way” but VICTORIOUSLY!!!

LIE #4) God will answer our prayers and heal. 

I guess this is really not a lie.  Maybe it is better to ask, “What is God’s perspective on healing?” I certainly believe in healing, but the health, wealth and prosperity groups have a skewed take on this.  If God wanted everyone healed – everyone would be healed.  How do they explain death?

I think God is much more interested in our holiness and our witness than our perfect health.  If poor health makes us more Christ-like then sickness takes on a new dimension.  Our God refuses to be contained in a little box of our making.  He is the ultimate nonconformist.  He snatched a rib from Adam to make Eve. He told Abraham to take Isaac and sacrifice him.  He commanded the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute. God told Isaiah to walk around naked and barefooted for 3 years.    God told Ezekiel to lie down on his side and be tied up for 390 days then to flip and lie there for 40 days.  God parted seas and calmed seas.  He stopped the sun.  He made Nebuchadnezzar like a beast of the field.  He gave a number of bizarre visions.  He won battles by decreasing the number of fighting soldiers, by having Moses hold up his hands and by hiding lights in jars. The ultimate unexpected was God sending His Son knowing it was to be a sure and painful death.

The point of all this is to ask, “With a God like this who is bold enough to predict what God’s next move is?” Acting trite or cocky with a God like this seems a tad unwise.  Several people were convinced that God was going to heal [my sister].  How do we grapple with issues like this?  God does want our sincere heart felt prayers.  He does heal and often gives us assurances that are supernatural.   But God is God.  He has the best plan. He will do all His holy will – and one day we will be very glad.    Isa. 55:8 “’My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the Lord, ‘and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.’”

LIE #5) Those were the good old days.

Aka-the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  Since I’ve spent all this time writing about myself- why stop now???   A few summers back when [my son] was home from college, he woke up about 10 am and came up with the idea to drive to the Grand Canyon.  We actually left at 2 pm.  It was [my daughter, my son,] and me.  [My daughter] and I both packed our suitcases. [My son] threw all his clothes in a laundry basket. We threw it all in the car and we were off.  We had a map but not one reservation or plan.  We had an amazing time.

Well, that was the before cancer.  This is the now. I take one drug that makes me achy, so, I take another drug to help with that but that drug makes me weepy and sleepy (sounds like the 7 dwarfs). There is also the cancer drug that is hard on my heart, so, I take a drug to help with that. Then I have to take blood thinners that make me have to limit my salads and green veggies which I really need because the other cancer drug is making me fat.  My ideal day is sleeping more than being awake.  I do a lot less than I used to.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m in a new season in my life.  How long it will stay, I’m not sure.

Maybe you are in a season of lots of kids, no kids, good health or poor health.  Are you super busy or is this a slower time?  Maybe you are waiting for a new baby or a new love. Some of you are students and some are teachers. Some have been faithful wives but are now widows.  Some are struggling financially and some have abundance.  Wherever we find ourselves let’s be content.  I don’t want to be pining away for those pre- cancer days but see God’s hand in this very day.  There may be something God has for me in this season that wouldn’t be available under different circumstances.  We are here for a reason.  So exciting to be looking for God’s hand in our everyday life.

LIE #6) I should be bull riding, skydiving or Rocky Mountain climbing. 

Well, let’s just start out with the mental picture of me doing any of these things.  Ugh.  Well, aren’t we supposed to “live like we were dying?”  My oncologist told me I was one of her best success stories.  Oh, did I mention that my radiologist said I will always be at high risk of my cancer returning.  So here I am somewhere between a bleak past and possibly a bleak future.  I should be doing something magnificent.  You know, make-a-wish type thing. I should be following some lifelong dream.  Well, until I figure out what an amazing life would look like —I’ll just keep enjoying being married to the most wonderful man in the world.  I’ll daily delight in my big family of crazy kids.  I’ll live in a messy house  filled with lots of people, music, books, loud talking, heated debates, 3 dogs and 2 and a half cats. I’ll just keep hanging out with my funny friends and family.  I’ll enjoy my 2 Hondas in the driveway and I’ll go to the best church in the world.